I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
