I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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