Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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