remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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