Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
