woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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