My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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