1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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