oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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