see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
