party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
