she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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