i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Of course I have a pirate flag
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
