Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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