Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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