please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
