My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
