I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
