someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
