Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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