I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
