well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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