Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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