i was born a porn star she said
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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