Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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