I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
