I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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