I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
