if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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