Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
