does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
