Tell her she can't have a vagina
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
