Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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