you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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