So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
