I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
