Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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