The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
