Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
