You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
