11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
