she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We need to rekindle our bromance
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
