The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
