There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
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Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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