I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
