I think im going to throw up on grandma
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
