...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
