Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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