As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
