my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
