Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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