Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
