I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
where are you?
Hypothermia
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
