the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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