Banned from zoo.
Again?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
