I just threw up on my dentist
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
