i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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