Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
