also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
