He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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